In all my 25 years of knowledge, wisdom and experience, I’ve learned one (very important) thing: Never, ever go shopping for jeans.
I dread the day a pair fades, a seam breaks or a knee rips because it means that I’m faced with the most inhumane, unfortunate task ever: Jean shopping.
Shopping for jeans is every ounce as dehumanizing as it sounds – especially if you’re a girl. The fit, cut, length, style and sizing almost never fit to your figure the way you want it to, which means you’ll almost always leave the store in tears. (At least I do.)
So while a trip to the store seems fun, it’s just blanketing the real terror that comes with the Jean Shopping Experience. Ladies, I know you hear me! Here’s the truth about what shopping for jeans is really like.
1. Time to go shopping!
2. Ugh, I guess I need to buy new jeans.
3. I. NEED. NEW. JEANS?!?!?!?!
4. Why do I need to buy new jeans? I haaaattteeeee shopping for jeans.
5. Oh, look, Forever21 has jeans. On sale!
6. I love sales! And Forever always has something that fits my shape. I’m like a pear-shape, I think. Like, curvy but still cute.
7. Ugh, am I a 6 or an 8? In Urban I’m an 8, but everything they make is basically made for a pencil, so I bet I can go down a size.
8. Let me just take a 4, too, just in case — because, like, I have been working out… kinda.
9. Oh my god, I can’t even get these jeans past my calf.
10. Who the f*ck let me pick up a size 4? Is this some kind of sick joke? There’s no way in hell I’m a size 4!
11. That’s it, no bread, no cheese and no carbs for the rest of the month. Okay… for the week.
12. Jesus, I don’t even fit into this 6? What the f*ck?
13. That’s it. I’m leaving this. I hate Forever21 jeans anyway. They’re not made for my body type.
14. Stores just don’t know how to fit a real woman’s body.
15. Maybe I should try colored denim? It’s so in this season.
16. I’ll probably look amazing in these blush pink pants. I mean, they’ll totally bring attention to my butt.
17. I know I have a nice butt.
18. WOW, never wearing colored pants again. Who even likes colored pants? Do they make anyone look good?
19. And WTF, why am I a size 10 in H&M? I thought they were, like, a store for women?
20. I’m just going to buy black jeans. Black jeans are slimming. Everyone looks good in black jeans.
21. WHY do these jeans give me love handles? Omg, I’ve let myself go, haven’t I? I knew winter was rough, but SERIOUSLY?
22. Do you think people will notice if I’m wearing high-waisted jeans? They’re not “mom jeans” if they’re from H&M right? Right.
23. Beyoncé wears high-waisted jeans.
24. Ugh, but Beyoncé looks good in everything.
25. But look! No muffin top. Maybe I should get these jeans?
26. Wait, these jeans are… $45 bucks? Wow, no thanks. Not buying a pair of jeans that look dece on me for that much money. Maybe if they were $20.
27. You know what, f*ck pants.
28. Oh, look, leggings!
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